As a running coach, I had a similar gut reaction. Its shape ! Her clothing! His complete and utter lack of respect for democratic standards!
Let’s break it down.
Whether you’re jogging around the neighborhood or fleeing the violent mobs whose fury you’ve fanned for your own political gain, you’ll want to make sure you have a good forward lean. A keen eye will notice that Senator Hawley’s torso is straighter than Mike Pence’s freshly erased search history. Runners will often struggle to lean forward because they haven’t developed enough core stability. However, in Hawley’s case, it may be due to the absence of any backbone. I would recommend lower baseline work and/or adherence to any core values.
Another thing that is immediately apparent about Senator Hawley is his kick. Hawley’s foot lands on his heel, well in front of his knee, what we call stepping over. Overshoot can be caused by weak glutes, which is surprising in someone with a complete worldview.
—Jeff (@BeastQuake) July 22, 2022
In the videos of Hawley fleeing up the escalator, you’ll notice he’s dramatically shortened his stride to allow for smaller, shorter steps. It’s actually a great form for efficiency and injury prevention! A clear indicator of someone who has practiced their footwork by dancing around any form of responsibility.
Recommended tweak: Consider incorporating strides and speed work into your routine, senator, and don’t intentionally stoke a violent insurrection that forces you to escape at VO2 max without any warm-up routine.
Then there is his equipment. A costume from Brooks Brothers’ We’re Totally Getting Away With It collection barely allows the range of motion required when you’re desperately fleeing the consequences of your own actions. I would recommend a good pair of split shorts to allow for good knee thrust. A more technical sweat-wicking fabric will come in handy the next time you need to evade a horde of heavily armed vigilantes you’ve been stoking paranoia about for years. Merino wool is perfect for your sheepish devotion to a minority movement (plus, it naturally blocks odors!).
Finally, let’s talk about shoes. Leather wingtips are great for trolling climate activists from your summer home on Martha’s Vineyard, but less effective for escaping the 4chan mob when they come knocking at your desk. If you need to take a break from a marble hallway, I recommend a shoe with a rubber sole and more breathability.
It sure looks bad to run away from an insurrection you’ve caused. But if you’re going to do it, at least have the proper form and equipment on your side. The only fate worse than prison for treason is plantar fasciitis.